


Lactose Intolerant Paladin Pining

by orphan_account



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Gay Keith (Voltron), Keith (Voltron) is Bad at Feelings, Keith (Voltron) is a Mess, Keith and Shiro are Adoptive Siblings, Lactose Intolerant Keith, Lance is Oblivious as hell, M/M, Pining Keith (Voltron), Sassy Pidge | Katie Holt, Shiro needs a break, pidge wants blackmail
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-04
Updated: 2017-09-04
Packaged: 2018-12-23 19:58:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11996907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Keith's crush on Lance and a newfound way to not throw up after consuming lactose do not go well together. It doesn't help that the blue paladin has no idea what's going on, much to the chagrin of the rest of the paladins, who have to deal with Keith's pining ass.OR5 (technically 4) times Keith uses his lactose intolerance against himself, plus the 1 time it actually helped.





	Lactose Intolerant Paladin Pining

**1.**

The first time the team found out Keith was lactose intolerant, they had just won a battle over Galra control on another alien civilization. There wasn't much else to say about the fight, for this had been a recurring theme in their lives in between direct confrontations with Zarkon himself. It was strenuous, seeming to stretch out for hours, but with the castleship's assistance, they managed to drive the enemy away once a particularly spectacular explosion destroyed most of their main base. What followed was a joyous celebration held by the inhabitants of the planet. They regained their energy quickly, what with the grateful citizens constantly shoving food under their noses as a sign of thanks.

However, they were still weary, so as the rest conversed with the citizens, one paladin would take the watch, flying through the skies on the lookout for anymore Galra ships. This arrangement was going smoothly until Keith didn't come back from his shift. Everyone started panicking. Even Lance, although he would say otherwise if questioned. They combed the entire planet until the blue paladin alerted the rest that he had found Red with her barrier up. It had been an hour since they last saw any signs of Keith or his lion, so everybody was considerably relieved when they heard the blue paladin's announcement through the comms. Lance touched down, albeit a few marks away from his target due to Blue skidding across the ground in their haste. 

He bounded over to Red, slowing down and looking up at the giant robotic cat. When all of them returned to the castle after this slight hiccup in their mission, Lance wouldn't say anything about frantically pounding on Red's barrier, practically begging her to let him in or show him where her paladin was. He wouldn't say anything about feeling desperation clawing at the back of his throat when Red wouldn't respond, nor would he say anything about all the worst-case scenarios that ran through his head. He wouldn't mention how his surprise got replaced by a wave of relief when he fell through Red's barrier from his position of leaning on it dejectedly.

He shot feelings of gratefulness in Red's direction, being met with a slight purr at the back of his mind as he practically scurried into the cockpit. He didn't know what to expect, but seeing Keith curled up tightly in his pilot's chair was not one of them. From where he was standing, Lance could hear the piteous whimpers his teammate was emitting. Keith didn't even seem to notice him, which meant something was definitely very wrong. Lance walked over, falling to his knees so he could be at eye-level with the red paladin.

"Keith? Keith, what's wrong?" Lance murmured, placing a hand on his teammate's arm, checking him over for any visible injuries. His eyes met with grey ones, and he was taken aback to see tears streaming down those pale cheeks. The next thing he knew, Keith had lurched forward and emptied his stomach all over Red's floor. And Lance's feet. The blue paladin sighed, reminding himself that he could wash his suit later. Something that sounded like a purr was heard, followed by a croak of apology that came from Keith, who had resumed his previous position. Lance absentmindedly combed back some stray strands of ebony hair that had fallen in front of the red paladin's eyes. 

"Oh Keith, don't worry, the other's will be here soon..."

\-------

"So, you're lactose intolerant, huh?" Lance had asked, a teasing tone colouring his voice. They were all back at the castle, Pidge and Coran talking to the rest of the paladins and Allura about how there were traces of some sort of dairy in the food they had eaten earlier. Lance was keeping Keith company at the other side of the infirmary, much to the red paladin's annoyance. Lance was just happy that he had something to hold over Keith's head.

"Shut up, Lance."

**2.**

Ever since the team had found out about Keith's lactose intolerance, Hunk had been especially careful whenever he prepared their meals. Really, it was a miracle he hadn't yet accidentally fed Keith something that could potentially get him really sick. When questioned about why he hadn't told them earlier, the red paladin simply shrugged and gave some half-assed reply about it slipping his mind. A reply that earned him facepalms and a comment from Lance about not coming crying to him if his piss-poor lactase production bothered him again. 

Coran had given the red paladin a bottle of pills that were supposed to neutralise the effects of lactose intolerance if Keith ever ingested lactose accidentally. It would still hurt a lot, but at least they could avoid having to clean up vomit. Sadly, Keith had recently taken up the habit of consuming any forms of dairy available voluntarily, always taking a dose of pills beforehand. His reason for doing so was unknown, until one day when he and Hunk were sitting at the lounge after training.

The yellow paladin was simply drinking a cup of hot chocolate he had prepared for himself when Lance waltzed out of his room, fresh from the shower. He watched his best friend walk over to the kitchen area, but not before looking over at the two of them with a smile. "Hey, guys! Oh, and Keith, nice job during training!" Lance had said, disappearing into the kitchen moments later. Hunk smiled fondly, glad that his friend seemed to be in a chipper mood. He glanced at Keith, about to compliment him on his performance that afternoon as well, until he realised how tense the red paladin looked. His face had also adopted a strange pink shade.

"Keith, buddy, you alright?" Hunk asked, looking at the teen with concern evident in his features. Keith looked at him, blinking owlishly before his eyes settled on the cup of chocolate the other was holding. Hunk followed his gaze, looking questioningly into his cup as if searching for the cause of his friend's strange behaviour. Then Keith spoke up, voice uncharacteristically soft and Hunk swore it wavered slightly. Whatever spell the red paladin was under, it was confusing and he wanted an explanation. He was about to get just that.

"That has milk in it... right?"

"Yeah?"

Hunk didn't register Keith's following actions in time. The teen had swiftly popped one of the lactose-neutralising pills into his mouth, snatched the cup of chocolate from his confused teammate's hands and was chugging it before Hunk could even blink. Once the yellow paladin snapped out of his slightly dazed state, his eyes widened in panic and he lunged forward in an attempt to wrestle the cup away from Keith, who was steadily draining it of its contents. Since he was arguably stronger than the smaller paladin, he was able to get the cup back, but not before Keith had consumed an alarming amount of chocolate.

"Keith! Why'd you do that?!" Hunk cried out, placing the cup safely away from his impulsive teammate. Keith started to curl in on himself, a telltale sign that he had indeed eaten or drank something with lactose in it. However, he did have the good grace of answering Hunk, who was now fussing over him like a mother hen. Looking his kind-hearted friend dead in the eye with a steely gaze, he replied.

"Lance smiled at me."

**3.**

"Keith, are you serious?" Pidge asked with a long-suffering sigh. She had moved from the observation deck to the kitchen in order to grab something to eat while tinkering on her latest gadgets. She didn't count on seeing Keith perched pathetically on a bar stool, slowly working his way through their supply of alien ice cream. In other words, he was Pining™ his ass off. Again. To be honest, if Keith wasn't lactose intolerant, she would've left the kitchen without another word, but as such, she had to stop the guy before she incurred Shiro's wrath.

"Leave me to die, Pidge," Keith grumbled, shoving another spoonful of dairy product into his mouth. His stomach was starting to protest against the torture he was inflicting upon himself, but he tamped down the pain starting to stir in favour of eating more ice cream. He knew he was acting like a depressed teenaged girl, but he really didn't have the capacity to care anymore. Pidge rolled her eyes, before walking over to sit across from the red paladin.

"Alright, lover-boy, what did he do this time?" She asked with a resigned air, placing her laptop on the counter and propping up her head with a hand. When Hunk had told her about the Hot Chocolate Incident™, she had been ecstatic to get her hands on some blackmail material, but at this point, it was just plain sad to see Keith routinely giving himself stomach cramps just because he couldn't work up the nerve to talk to Lance. It was kind of funny, seeing Keith Kogane, acclaimed bad-boy of the Garrison, falling over himself because of a crush. And it was _Lance_! Out of all people, he crushed on Lance McClain, his quote unquote rival. She really shouldn't be surprised, though, the both of them already did act like an old married couple most of the time.

"The idiot did the thing..." Came the muffled reply from Keith.

_Ah, the Thing™._

"Which thing? Care to be more specific, pine tree?" Pidge drawled, casually inching a hand closer to the pint of ice cream Keith was holding with a vice grip. 

"The thing he does where he turns around and his hair does the _fwip_ sound and he looked at me and the bastard smiled, _smiled_ at me! Again! I'm literally dying from breathing the same air as him and he had the nerve to smile-- _hey!_ " The red paladin yelped indignantly as the ice cream was torn away from him. Pidge tutted, sliding the ice cream further away from the both of them. If Keith made any moves to take it, she'd have to hop over the tabletop and physically fight him herself. 

"Sounds like you've got it bad. Like, really bad. I know, I know, not helping." She supplied, holding her hands up in mock defence when Keith glared and held up the spoon he was using like a weapon. The green paladin leaned across the counter, crossing her arms below her conspiratorially, glasses glinting in the shine of the kitchen lights. Keith shifted uncomfortably, from a mix of stomach pang and Pidge looking like she was going to bite his head off. 

"I have a suggestion, why don't you just, oh, I don't know, _talk_ to him?" 

\-------

It was hard to explain to Shiro why the green paladin was dragging a struggling Keith by his foot in the direction of Lance's bedroom with a very apologetic looking Hunk in tow, and it was even harder to explain to Lance why Keith had screeched bloody murder before promptly passing out at the sight of him.

"He's on his man-period."

"Pidge!"

None of them saw Keith for a while after that, but at least it explained the absence of some certain dairy products from the kitchen, along with the blender.

**4.**

Keith wasn't exactly sure when he decided to regret his life decisions. He just knew that once his stomach let out a low growl that embarrassingly sounded like some kind of feral animal and Lance's eyes immediately snapped to his direction, he wanted to be swallowed up by the ground and never be able to see the artificial light of the castle ever again. Suddenly, he was doubled over, his insides feeling like they were being stabbed repeatedly. He knew he shouldn't have eaten that piece of cake. In his defence, he thought that alien cakes would be different from earth cakes. Sadly, judging by the mutiny of his digestive system, alien cakes did, in fact, contain dairy.

 _A lot_ of dairy, it seemed.

"Keith?! Quiznak, why did you even eat cake in the first place--"

_Oh, right. Lance was still there. Great._

"I only ate some because you were eating it..." The teen managed to force out before he realised what he had just uttered and prayed that the blue paladin hadn't been paying much attention. Lance, like the usually oblivious and dense brick wall that he was, didn't seem to hear what he had said, instead opting to crouch down from where he was standing to be level with Keith's eyes. Just like the first time, when he found him practically dying inside Red. 

"Where are your pills?" Lance urged, placing one hand almost reassuringly on Keith's arm as the red paladin continued riding the waves of pain that reverberated from his abdomen. Keith looked up slightly, catching those beautiful blue hues in his gaze and _oh lord_. 

Keith was a _goner_.

\-------

"So let me get this straight-"

"Shiro, it's anything but straight."

"Thank you, Pidge, but that wasn't what I meant. Keith, you're telling us that you tried to eat more cake, knowing that it has a considerable amount of lactose, that it came to a point where you had to be restrained and Coran had to knock you out with a sedative before you could cause more harm to yourself?"

"Yes."

"And this was because Lance was being too gorgeous?"

"... Yes."

"Well, you did give him a black eye so now you're even."

"It was an accident, Pidge!"

**5.**

"I hate him," Keith announced, slamming down the pint of ice cream he wrestled away from Shiro earlier on against the table with an air of stubborn finality. The red paladin had just finished a painfully long rant about 'stupid Lance with his stupid pretty eyes, stupid handsome face and stupid funny jokes and stupid amazing personality and stupid denseness and stupid feelings', along with Shiro having fallen victim to the role of listener. The black paladin had hesitantly given his hopeless pining case of a younger brother some ice cream, knowing that trying to stop him would be futile, given that he would take his pills once the pain started to set in.

Keith was currently three pills in, and he didn't seem to be losing steam anytime soon.

"No, you don't," Shiro unhelpfully quipped, effectively interrupting Keith from launching into another tangent about the blue paladin. He was rewarded with a glare, followed by Keith aggressively eating more spoonfuls of ice cream. His behaviour was reminiscent to one of a grumpy teen girl on her period, and Shiro instantly banished the image from his mind for Keith's sake. He didn't necessarily want to take an ice-cream scoop to the head.

Keith's forehead abruptly met with the tabletop with a loud _wham_ , and for a second Shiro panicked that the teen had passed out cold. Only when a loud, tired groan escaped from the pathetic heap of limbs lumped onto the bar stool did the older paladin let out a sigh of relief. Keith shifted his position, one arm cushioning his head against the table, and the other reaching into his pocket for the bottle of neutralising pills that were now a fully-engrained part of his person.

"I hope this lactose kills me soon," Keith stated, before knocking his head back and downing another dose, comically acting like he just took a shot at the bar after a particularly bad day. 

How did Shiro's mind come up with these scenarios? He would never know. Not that he would want to know, anyway.

Sensing movement from beside him, Shiro glanced back at his brother, brows furrowing when he saw the unnaturally upright posture and slowly reddening face. He followed the younger paladin's line of sight, before relaxing when he saw Lance. The blue paladin looked up as if he felt Keith's gaze on him, and shot the teen a bright smile. Shiro focused his attention back on Keith, who had returned the smile, albeit shyly. Lance looked away, and suddenly Keith was making a beeline towards the fridge. The black paladin's eyes widened, already knowing what Keith was about to do.

_Oh no._

"Keith," Shiro warned, the authoritative leader tone leaking into his voice. Keith wordlessly opened the fridge, grabbing a newly-acquired milk carton that was definitely still full. The red paladin whirled around, meeting Shiro's eyes with a look that screamed a challenge. The leader narrowed his eyes, showing that he meant business. Keith's expression faltered, and Shiro was convinced that he had successfully talked his brother down. Until someone cracked a joke from outside the kitchen and Lance's laughter streamed into the room

Shiro had to jump over the table, yelling at Keith to 'stop killing the milk this _instant_ ', attracting the attention of the other paladins. Hunk and Pidge simply looked at each other knowingly, while Lance tossed a concerned look over his shoulder at the direction that Shiro's voice was coming from. Seconds later, Allura and Coran walked into the kitchen, only to be greeted by the sight of Hunk and Lance pinning down a thrashing Keith while Shiro was having a tug-of-war with the red paladin, using an empty milk carton. Pidge wasn't helping the situation at all, snapping pictures of the scene while trying to keep her hands steady through her chortling.

**+1.**

"Keith, can I come in?"

Keith was snapped out of his lactose-induced daze momentarily by a few knocks on his door. After Shiro had pried him away from that damned milk carton, he was immediately sent to his room after a particularly aggressive stab of pain from his gut left him reeling on the kitchen floor. Currently, Keith had made a small blanket burrito of himself in his room, facing the wall as his stomach continued tearing itself apart. He was at least half in his right mind, so he still had the grace to call out to whoever was knocking on his bedroom door, albeit in a blank, lifeless tone. Exactly what he called out was a different thing entirely.

"Abandon all hope ye who enter here."

A chuckle was heard from the other side of the door, followed by the telltale _swish_ of his door opening.

"I'll take that as a 'yes'."

"Toss me out of the airlock and let death claim me, Shiro."

There was a pause as the person, probably Shiro about to lecture him again, seemed to have stopped moving before the bed dipped slightly as weight was added to near where the blanket curled around the red paladin's feet. Keith continued staring at the wall, hands clenching his blanket tighter around him. Maybe-Shiro shifted his weight, and Keith deduced that he was looking at him at that point.

"You do know we care about you, right?"

Keith huffed, wondering what Maybe-Shiro was getting at.

"You, definitely. You mother me to the point that it's suffocating. Hunk and Pidge, well, they're my friends, so yeah I guess. Allura and Coran care about all of us, like... space mom and space uncle."

At this, Maybe-Shiro let out another fond-- _fond?_ \-- chuckle. The red paladin decided that it was his wording that elicited this reaction but considering that his mind was hazy due to the pain still throbbing in his gut, he didn't have much of a filter anymore. He did realise that he left out one specific paladin from his reply, however, Maybe-Shiro would already know why this was the case.

"And Lance, what do you think about him?"

 _Unless_ he was just trying to push his buttons that day. The teen huffed once again, rolling his eyes before he went to jog his brother's apparently weakened memory.

"I hate his guts. But like, like him at the same time. It's frustrating, Shiro, I'm currently wallowing in self-pity and stomach cramps because I can't work up the courage to talk to the guy! It's just-- _gah_. He thinks everything's fine but _nooo_ , I'm actually _this_ close to having a nosebleed because he's being too stupidly adorable!" Keith exclaimed, curling further and further into himself as he rambled. Maybe-Shiro went completely still, but the red paladin thought nothing of it as he continued glaring at the wall. There was silence, neither party uttering another word.

After a long while, Keith had had enough of the sudden change in the atmosphere of the room. He lifted his head slightly, enough to see who was sitting next to his curled blanket form.

"Aren't you going to start your lectu- _Oh._ "

Instead of Shiro, it was Lance who met his gaze, staring at him with wide ocean blue eyes.

_Great job, Keith. Mistake your crush for Shiro and confess your pining hopelessness to him. Astute._

The red paladin felt his face heating up and he was sure that it matched shades with his lion by that point. Lance recovered considerably quickly once he saw this, and had the cheek to smirk, _smirk_ , his own face taking on a pink tint. Keith bit the inside of his mouth, not sure if he wanted to run away from Lance, or punch him. 

"... You think I'm adorable?" Lance questioned, one brow raised, a smirk still playing on his lips. Keith groaned, hiding his face in his hands. Leave it to Lance to still be able to function normally once someone practically confessed their feelings to him. And for it to be _Keith_ , out of all people.

"Sh-Shut up!" Came the red paladin's muffled reply, his voice betraying him with a stutter. The other teen let out a gentle laugh and Keith's stomach did another flip, which wasn't caused by his lactose intolerance this time. The next thing he knew, Lance was curled up against him, and a warm arm was wrapped around his torso. 

"What... What are you--"

"I like you too, you heathen. Now sleep off your stomach cramps so I can deck you later for triggering your lactose intolerance on purpose because of your pining, jackass."

**Author's Note:**

> Rest assured, sleepy cuddling does ensue and Pidge takes photos to use as blackmail. It's all good.
> 
> Con-crit will be appreciated, and I'll see y'all next time! *nYOOMS*


End file.
